Dear d,
Im writing this down cause it wouldnt fit inside a text.
This letter's gonna be messy as im writing my thoughts down.
I know you say that you had changed.
But you're still doing the same things.
Remember the first time I tried to court you?
You rejected me and said you're just a heart breaker.
You didnt wanna hurt me and break my heart.
Instead, I was the one who broke yours.
You gave me a chance but no..
I blew it.
I was in camp.
The desire to have someone by my side always is strong.
I was very demanding.. No..
I still am.
Well, you were there for me.
But as I lost weight, my ego grew bigger.
It was a nice feeling.. To feel thin.
Thought I could easily find some other.
But no.. That fantasy just backfired on me..
I lost you. And I couldnt move on to another.
Cause I still loved you.
I was being a jerk.
A big one. Im sorry.
Well.. Guess what? I've gained weight anyways.
I've decided that if being thin just makes me a jerk, I rather stay fat where people can insult me.
Where courting another wouldnt be easy.
Why am I doing something stupid you may ask?
Its just my way of punishing myself.
No, its not being hard on myself.
I believe what you went through was worse.
Next, I want to talk bout is.. Halif.
As much as I dont wish to talk bout him.. I have to make things clear.
That night, I did want to confront him.
But he denied the fact that he was courting you too.
So I told him what was going on between us. I told him about my difficulties and how hard it was for you to open up.
Yes, I know I myself have problems with that. But im working on it.
And yes. Trust and faith in you was the issue.
And I trusted him when he badmouthed bout you. I trusted him when he was talking bout mr. rafi and why idham left you.
I'll be totally honest. I still dont have a clue on what was going on between you and mr. rafi.
I dont know why you and idham broke up when I though you two were doing well.
So my assumption was that mr. rafi was behind it. I still have no clue, d.
I thought maybe one day you'll open up to me.
But apparently, I blew it before you can.
I was jealous. Im sorry.
You should know that too. Jealousy is one of scorpio's traits.
No, i'm not trying to make it sound like an excuse. I know well that these traits are inside of me.
Even the desires to have someone along side with me.
I know that you've said you do not want friends nor family.
No offence d, but are you really gonna live your life independently? Alone?
You can say that it is certain.. But really..
I dislike that thought. I find it childish.
I've always hated that mindset. Men and women alike.
And I don't blame you having that mindset.
Afterall, you've had it hard.
I know you will try to deny that..
But you cant lie to yourself.
I know I am bad with words.
I know that I cant treat a woman well.
But im learning to.
Well. Cause im not perfect but I'll keep trying.
I still remembered the first time we met again after graduation.
You didnt want to come for the bbq, but the next thing I know, you said you were at the basketball court.
And you were hiding on the other side of the fitness corner behind a sign.
I remembered the time we hanged out to play cards.
I know that I played it too much till I was bored of it. I just went with it so I can spend time with you.
I know I asked for alot when I try to get us to meet everytime I booked out. But I just want to see you before I go back into the cell.
I remembered the first time I tried to give my kiss away.. Man.. It was really embarrassing. It still is everytime I think bout it.
I remembered the chalet when halif organised for his birthday..
I bailed on you when we were leaving. No.. To tell you the truth, my head wasnt preoccupied because of hadi's back strain.
I was jealous how you were treating halif. I pretended to be sleepy and distracted. But im not a social person. I can never be like you.
I remembered the time when I was down.. Walking in the park.
You would actually come to find me.
I took it for granted. Now, no one else comes to find me.
I remembered everytime we had a conflict. How hard it was for me to say what my thoughts are. Im not used to it. I still am not.
I tried to say the words but it never comes out right.
I'm sorry to hurt you.
I'm sorry to have made a big mess out of things.
I'm sorry for leaving you alone.
I'm sorry for not trusting you.
I'm sorry for being a jerk.
I'm sorry.. For not understanding you. For not being there when you took the blow the hardest amongst the three of us.Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
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