بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

BismillahirRahmanirRahiim

It's been awhile since I've posted a proper rant. I'm heavily broken hearted. I bear sad news that I am in the process of divorce. 

There are feelings that is lost which is involved. There's a third part which is involved. I am not strong enough to fight through this wall and carry on our marriage. I cannot have the thought that my wife is contacting another guy from her workplace while I still try to prove my worth. 

I do not know what to think. I do not know who's at wrong. 

It's been multiple negativity rolling over, snowballing to what it is now. I'm sure it's the same for my wife. 

But I... Fought through it... I still tried to carry on with our marriage. I didn't try to find another...... But it feels as tho... No.. I know I am partly at fault too.

My family members have been trying to console me saying I've been a good guy and not to blame myself. 

While my wife keeps emphasizing about our issues which snowballed.

I do not know which to side. Both are true. But it feels weird to tell myself I am a good person while I carry all these flaws. 

My heart hurts. I feel it beating hard and loud. The first few days were the worst. But after a day or two of positivity, the negativity creeps back to haunt me.

I am traumatized, I am broken. I need to heal myself. I want to heal myself. I want myself to reach a level where I can communicate confidently.

But till then... I need to heal.

But I wish there are hugs that can console me.... 😢

Ya Allah, grant me the strength to be a better person...