K-

 I read my old posts and they don't sound happy. If I were to have readers in the future, know that I may struggle with unhappiness and negativity. But I do have happy moments. It's just that I don't record it down cause I want to feel happy and savour the moment, rather than take that moment and write it down.  I'm just like that. I'd like to appreciate the moment at that moment. I don't take pictures to capture the moment either. Although looking back at old photos does somehow invoke some good memories. Who knows I may start photography as a hobby.

It is something so innocent.. yet it has manifested into something that somehow is causing physical pain.  I'd like to think that I am over my divorce case, yet, how can it be the sound of the ice cream bell ringing cause me physical pain? How is it that I can feel my heart tightening and hurting? My mind is set. I have been looking forward towards the future. I have been putting effort to carry on. Haven't I? My heart shouldn't waiver.  ... Dear Khai.. This is a not a sign that you haven't move on. It's part of your healing process. The event of the ice cream man ringing his bell triggered a memory within you. It may have contained sweet memories but what's left of it is a wound. The wound will close. If it's too deep, it will leave behind a scar. But scars aren't bad. They will remind you of what to avoid in the future. It's a learning lesson for you. It's for you to become a better person. It's okay to feel hurt, but it's not okay to s...

Words from a friend just rang in my head today. When I was telling her about my divorce, she jokingly asked if I was not romantic which lead to it.  Maybe the answer is yes. I really do not know. I used to put in tonnes of effort. Making unique gifts. Self made gifts.  I honestly do not know if I'll be able to get that side of me again. I feel like I subconsciously built a wall. So that I'll feel safe. After all, I've been neglected too. My efforts weren't appreciated.  I know that this marriage developed trauma. Both of us are traumatized in some way. I do not know if I'm strong enough to break these walls down if I were to love the next person.  I am weak. I need help. Why am I sobbing to myself? Ya Allah... I am nothing but a servant who lots of weaknesses. I pray for the strength to carry on.  I need help. I need support oh Allah. I want to break these walls down, melt this heart of stone. This servant of yours is weak...

 I've been going through my basic courses again as I changed my career back to SMRT. Which is kinda funny. I started my job back in SMRT when I first got married in 2015.  Now, I am back in SMRT when I get my divorce 11 years later. The irony. So safety has always been a big thing in SMRT. Today, they showed us incidents that resulted in the loss of limbs, and ultimately, lives.  Back in 2016, 2 trainees lost their lives due to multiple lapse in safety.  Back in 2020, a young man lost his life in a freak incident where a metal piece was flung out of it's holder when the hydraulic press was operated. The worst news is that he was 2 weeks away from his wedding. It just got me super emotional and I was shedding some tears at the back. Watching a video on how their parents were grieving for their sons. I had always thought of the safety of my family but my once was significant other did not see the sacrifices that I poured into the family. I couldn't help thinking if I w...